Love/Hate & Somewhere Still in Between

Lately I found myself back in the arms of my old friend,
welcomed and embraced, comforted
And I hated every single moment of it.

Why?

Because it’s the very same one who told me to let the days pass,
leaving me behind, comfortable
but left behind.

Honestly,
the last 2 months were hard. My appetite left me though it was the season for parties and family gatherings, eating to the point of gluttony. Loneliness, doubt and frustration slowly crept into my every vein and thought though I was surrounded  by friends + my boyfriend & family, reminding me of joy, love and hope. And I found myself crying at nights, angrier and sadder than the night before.

Unsure.

But I know,
it’s all
in my head.

My greatest enemy
My constant companion

How can I live alone in those long cruel nights, restless and awake?
I wouldn’t be in them in the first place if it weren’t for it.

So what do I do?
What can I do?
When the thing you hate and love the most is one & the same?

Do It Anyway

Here at last, we shall be free.

Maybe one day you’ll wake up and you’ll find
That you can’t even give your art
Away
That so many people have made art
That there’s too much
And no one has time to sift through the junk
To find your pictures.

But make art, anyway.

Maybe one day you’ll get to your first gig
And the only people there will be
Your family
And they’ll be the only ones clapping
When you’re done
And everyone else at the bar, they just
Go back to their drinks.

But make music, anyway.

Maybe one day you’ll write the most moving thing
Ever written, and if anyone ever read it
They’d cry
If they ever found it amongst the one thousand
Thousand, thousand, thousand
Other things that have been written
Like bills and tax returns.

But write beautiful things, anyway.

Because even if the only person you impress at the end is…

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If You Will

Recently, I am reminded of/about my faith. How God is putting it to a test, and how it is waning, bending beneath the weight of my own demons in my head as a result of the pressures of this world. And I’m not gonna lie, I have thought about dealing with all of it on my own, placing my faith on my own two hands. Doubting God, once more.

My friends, life has its way of eating up your every thought, making you lie wide awake in the late hours of the evening, and shadowing what little light you have in a very narrow cave you’re in. Fear and worry, disappointment- these are the things that led to my doubts, and in result, the beginning of my lack of faith.

But today as I read about the leper in Mark 1, I felt chided for even considering such a thought. Here was a man who was condemned by the world -completely shunned and mocked by society- but still had an unwavering faith.

If you will, you can make me clean. v.40 ESV

He knew that he cannot do it alone. That he needed Christ for him to be healed. So with great humility and reverence –beseeching him, kneeling down, this leper believed that Christ was the only one who could do it. And Christ, who was moved by compassion, reached out and touched him, healing his leprosy at that very moment.

I will, be clean. v. 41 ESV

Christ readily wills, gives, answers, heals, cleans, etc to those who readily places their faith in Him. He takes away the doubt we have, and proves His power.

It may be difficult at times to put our faith into someone we cannot see. I sure know how that is… but that’s faith: being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we couldn’t see [Heb 11:1]. We may not know His plans for us, but we are guaranteed through Jeremiah that His plans for us are good.  This He promised.

There is a reason why part of the armor of God is called a shield of faith. Because our faith keeps us -saves us- from the deathly blows of lies, discouragements, worries, etc that the world gives us.

So instead of letting the weight and the blows of this world wane me, bend me; break my faith, I realized that I should persevere more, to trust in Him more, and to fill myself with His words. For it is Him who will give me strength, who will give me answers, comfort and peace.

Father, thank You for Your faithfulness even though I haven’t been. Thank You, Lord, for teaching me to have faith like a child, to place my life completely in the palm of Your hands. And I pray that You would continually strengthen my faith in You.

In This Morning

The lights were dancing and the music was surrounding me. I remember being called, drinks were being poured, and stories were being told. But I couldn’t remember the names, couldn’t recognize the faces, and couldn’t tell where I was. It was such a shame, I thought. It seemed like I was having a good time. Somehow I did amidst the confusion and craziness.

But the morning brought me back to reality that it was only for a night. Only for a night… Nothing more. And with the morning came the truth.

I thought I was already awake. But as it dawned on me like the sun slowly rising from the east, I realized I have yet to learn to how it truly means to be free.

I shivered as the first morning wind passes through me. But as fast as it came, it wasn’t enough for the warmth that came after. And I found myself smiling for I know that in this journey, I would never be alone. I didn’t care if the world tells me otherwise. I didn’t care if they would tell me that the arms that was wrapped around me was mine.

Because I know the truth.
Because I know His arms are wrapped around mine.

And in this morning, I’m beginning to be re-awakened.

Comfort Isn’t Necessarily A Good Thing

Today is a day I’ve been waiting for. A time for me to catch up on more personal matters as my days  have been really long and busy. Philippine Fashion Week is a month away and pre production has always been the most challenging part of it. I could barely keep up with my daily devotion. Thank God I could always find time in the morning or  sometimes at lunch to read, and be comforted by His word.

As I found myself getting back to the city pace, I realize how easy it really was to get back to your old ways. Not only was it easy but it was also invitingly comfortable. And I found myself being nudge constantly by the little voice in my head saying to tip the can over and be done with it, taunting me and challenging me.

It wasn’t easy to fight it. And  things aren’t getting any easier.

It felt  like I have to constantly be doing good; always aware of my actions -how to act, what to speak. Everything I did were thought through, well-calculated –conscious- because I was scared that one small move might end up with me falling back to who I was. In my head, I kept doing all these good deeds so that the Lord will see that I wasn’t failing Him -like a slave pleasing her master. But the more I push it -the more it was done out of fear, the more I crack. And little by little I could see the awful familiar pattern breaking in.

But the Lord had reminded me through Paul’s letter to the Galatians that I am no longer a slave to my efforts. No longer enslaved by the law of this world but have been redeemed to receive adoption as sons. And as His son, we are no longer slaves but heirs [Gal 4: 4-7 ESV].

I am reminded of the difference between a child and of a slave. As children, they obey their parents because they love them. But as servants, they obey their masters because they fear them. In reading Galatians, I have learned so much about the freedom Christ has given us through the cross. He did not purchased us to be His slaves but to be His sons (and daughters). And as His sons, He has sent His Spirit to live in us so that we may have this intimate relationship with Him -to be able to cry out “Abba, Father” just like the Spirit [Gal 4:7]; to have the same nature as His.

Paul said, it is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always [Gal 4:18 NIV]. I am reminded that in everything I do, I should do it out of love for my Father who has freed me, given me a new life, and adopted me as His daughter. That in everything I do, I do it to glorify Him. That I obey Him because I love Him.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments.
John 14:15 ESV

What a wonderful and powerful reminder to have!

Thank You, Lord for being faithful even though we have been fearful. Thank You for the steadfast love you’ve given me. I pray that this message You have given me may remind those who are also going through the same thing. And I pray that as sons and daughters, may we remember the meaning of the cross, may we obey you with all of our hearts,and  glorify You with everything we are and we have.

Rip These Tendons

Such a very deep and personal song. And I can’t help but listen to it -and relate to it. Especially with the spoken words part.

Tendons
by Bellarive

Barely beating now
My heart is overcome
I fear there’s nothing left for You

Can You hear my heart from there
It seems the distance is
What I chose to bear

So rip these tendons, they hinder my reach towards You
Rip these tendons, they hinder my reach towards You

Would You meet me here
Where I rest my bones
Where I lay my head down

This place is my escape
Oh God, I need You to initiate

Light up the sky
Set our hearts on fire
Light up the sky
Let us see our Creator

If the Titanic was made to sink
Then so was my heart
For I made sure it was impenetrable
Oh, what a wretched man I am
Who will save me from this flesh
Paul whispers in my ear,
“Oh, don’t worry my friend …
You’re in good company”
Poets before me have tried
to measure this love
And if 40,000 brothers cannot
with all of their quantity of love
make up this sum
Then how can my heart contain this mass
It would only burst at the seams into
a million tender pieces
So what then
What good is a broken heart to You
Could you even hear my heart from there
And like a father assuring his son
to come home
“Oh my son, it’s enough, it’s enough”
So who am I to accept this grace
that just falls like rain
‘Cause we all know I chose to lay
my head in this desert
But like a fish out of water
We only know then what it means
to be parched
So if Christ is alive, the love,
and the groom
Then take heed my friends
For chivalry is not dead
For I know no other lover who would
have met me here in this place
So I awake and I rise from my bed
of complacency
Oh, my God I’ve been sleeping
with a corpse
Oh, and these bed sores they still
rest in my bones
Oh, how I’ve made a beautiful dance
with this cadaver but my audience
is appalled
Oh, how strong these tendons
How they desperately need to rip
from this ancient Adam
So light up the sky and
Set me a flame
Burn this bone and tissue
For I no longer want to be
entangled in this sinew
That hinders my reach towards You

Camp ReGeneration

a. Camp ReGeneration
b. Main session
c. A camper’s devotion
d. Day 2: Holiness
e. Baller ID that says “Mighty To Save”
f. That’s me going around; checking around the battle field during Tribe Wars.
g. Some of the officers (including me) performing during the Talent Show.
h. Encounter Night (bonfire)
i. Me leading worship during the Camp Celebration (last day)
j. SCMI Youth

To check out more photos, visit our Official Facebook Page, SCMI Youth.

Special thanks to our photographers:
Harold Bassig
Miko Go

Shekinah Chronicles

Shekinah Chronicles

If you have the time, please do check out my church’s publication called the Shekinah Chronicles. I’m glad I was able to contribute again.

I’m still trying to figure out how I can actually post the visual of the online magazine here. But for now, click on the link to be redirected. Thanks y’all!

When I Look At the Stars

So I am back from a 4-day youth camp where I and 4 more youth leaders facilitated 30+ youth campers. It was such an amazing, mind blowing learning experience. Who would’ve thought that being a leader could teach you so much about serving? Who would’ve thought that someone who has been going to camp since she was 12 years old, felt like she was just like one of the new campers?

The whole process of planning and preparing for this years summer camp has been truly a personal journey for me. Even at the start of the year, I already felt like this was going to be an adventure of understanding my identity in Christ. A journey I know I can’t do alone without Him. What happened in camp was just the beginning.

I’m grateful because I was given the time to get out of the city and just be in a place where I’m surrounded  by God’s wonderful creations; a place where you can just sit still and immediately feel His presence everywhere. A lot of my questions were answered. And those who weren’t, He assured me and gave me hope that He will answer all of it in His perfect time.

I could tell you all of the things that I have learned during camp (there’s plenty of that) but it would take too long and too much for one post. So I’ve decided to just start one of the most important lessons that I have learned that struck me hard. And probably share to you guys about the others on my next coming posts.

It wasn’t a coincidence that my devotion the day before camp was teaching me that I am a jar of clay: that in the pressures of this world, I crack. But in Him breaking us, molding us and sculpting us in His own hands, we become stronger and new again. It wasn’t also a coincidence that I started reading the book of Galatians at the start of April -the start of camp. To make this short, everything was connected. Like everything I was reading, hearing and learning were all meant for me alone.

I thought I understood who He was. I thought I understood what He was telling me in the Bible. But I was way off the mark. Because I realized that God is not who I like to think He is. And that following Him was not how I think it was going to work. I thought by my works alone -my ideas and my zeal could justify or accomplish it. I thought by reading and understanding the words of men regarding His words were enough for me to understand Him. But I realized that it is in our willingness to trust in Him completely and not on our own understanding [Prov 3:5], in us relying on him and admitting  that we can’t do it on our own. That it is by His spirit -His grace that we are saved through faith, and this is still not from us but a gift from God [ Eph 2:8].

We cannot earn it.

God does not love us more if we act a certain way. It doesn’t work like that. Because He already loves us unconditionally no matter what had happened, happens or will happens to us. Christ died on the cross for our sins even if we weren’t born yet. He has given us His grace even if we don’t deserve it. He saved us by giving His only son to die on the cross because He loves us so much and that He promised that we will not die but instead have a new life -an eternal life- if we believe in Him [John 3:16]; if we have faith in Him. Simple as that.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
Galatians 2:20 ESV

It wasn’t also a coincidence that this was our summer camp verse either. He was teaching me right from the beginning that I no longer am the person I was. That I have a new identity in Christ. That I don’t have to prove myself to Him by my works or my knowledge alone. That whatever I do, I do it for Him, and Him alone.

He is more than enough.

Before, I valued the opinions of others. When that didn’t bothered me anymore, I became enslaved to the opinions of myself. I guess that’s where I started sugar-coating and justifying to myself who God is and how it all works. But as I stood one night during camp, gazing at the stars (I don’t get to see that many stars in the city) above, I understood what the statement above means for me.

When He died on the cross, He said it is finish. Our sins were already paid. We are no longer bonded to our old selves but redeemed by His blood. In the middle of realizing all of these, I found something that I thought I’d lost but was only buried deep down with all my worldly exhaustion. Something that I thought I could get back again on my own. Something that I’ve been praying for a while now.

The Lord knows how much I miss it. He knows how much I’ve been yearning for it. And with His perfect timing, I found the joy in serving Him again. I am no longer buried deep with all my frustrations and exhaustion but I am filled with the strength and joy that His Spirit could only bring.

Thank You, Lord.
I know that  it is not by my strength nor by my power
but by Your Spirit
that I wake up every morning
thankful, joyful and hopeful.

Small Words, Big Meanings

Though my body is tired and heavy,
I can feel His strength holding and carrying me.
Though my thoughts kept me awake,
I know that my restlessness only seeks Him.

My soul has finally awaken from a deep slumber.
My heart has once again found the joy in serving.
My spirit now singing, dancing -soaring.

I am found.
I am healed.
I am redeemed.
I am free.
I am alive.
I am loved.

By Him.
Because of Him.
For Him.

photo from here